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Ultimate Aloe vera

“The scan misreads letters as other letters, imagines whole new glyphs. The alphabets that could’ve been…”
NORMCORE STAND-UP COMIC [sic] from [insert school of choice within 15 miles of capital] will make more pop-punk dollar than you (and me) this year and every year forever (notwithstanding ur and my superior intellect lol) [don’t need lol, just say what you mean and stand by it – Ed.]
This unruly phenomenon (defining of our cheap-ass era) is chiefly down to any given stand-up comic being ¾ self-promotion 100% of the time. He’s not smarter than you, he’s just more comfortable spouting falsehoods about his maternal grandmother (tbf, he thinks they’re true) whilst resting his swollen feet on neck of Klingon Archibong the II of Ghuyana.¹

— I understand how people feel. People feel alone.

To view in Arabic, visit http://www.htttp://

How do you like this new game? The so-called gentle art of cut and paste «« from (auto-di-dac-t) Pages © document done by hand. The scan misreads letters as other letters, imagines whole new glyphs.

The alphabets that could’ve been.

Pink grapefruit and celery juice (for hydration).

The ABC of natural beauty.

Black Scholes requires black skulls for operation. Literary publishing iz dead, deaf, dead, on the defensive. Thank you very much Sophie, Laura et al

Concerns about plagiarism are (like they’ve always been) overstated: if you won’t read, then why should I write?

Whelan’s Freehouse, Rotherhithe Old Road, London se16.

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Great place but not for a black person 🙂

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The alphabets that might’ve been. The alphabets that, if they were, would’ve avoided this whole messy Internet situation. [Would they even be called alphabets? A side issue maybe, but interesting to think about – Ed.] When the clerical error came through that is what the desk clerk told him. It happened in America (THE UK doesn’t call desk clerks desk clerks, it calls them receptionists.)

As soon as I got in the car [cut – Ed.] I told him, ‘I want to fuckkk all your friends’. No point in lying. Isn’t there?

He understood, like he always does.

‘That’s what love feels like,’ my old friend said. ‘You love everything about them so much that it makes people they are talking to seem attractive.’ Stock Market Plunge.

Don’t think twice[.]

[S]lice the goat[‘]s neck!

Half-baked recipes requiring the half empty tubes of Aļoe to be re-squeezed direct from the plants. The plants that had been out on the precipice for so long but now hung over the bath, too big to move [is this intentional? if not come on!! – Ed.].

Always so so sunny (shg, shg), always so so cold (nostalgic), always so so miserable (how do you remember your childhood?). Do better, always so, so defensive (uptight). What’s there to be so, so defensive about? Your soft body, riddled with pores, and it’s impossible to locate the liver, where anger is synthesized out of chemicals, like crystal meth. Starved of natural ingredients. The results of your biopsy will be available in 6 to 8 weeks.

1. British nationals do not need visas to visit Ghuyana for a period of 30 days or less. Extensions can be obtained from the Ministry of Home Affairs in neighbouring Par’bo. It should be noted that Ghuyanese authorities are very severe on visitors who overstay. Conviction for overstaying will result in 1 year of imprisonment, a fine of G$50,000 and deportation (at the deportee’s expense) upon release…

Iphgenia Baal

Iphgenia Baal is the author of multiple fiction titles including: Compliances w/Ben Graville (Toothgrinder, 2022) Man Hating Psycho (Influx Press, 2021); Death & Facebook (WHYLB, USA, 2018)/Merced Es Benz (Book Works, UK, 2016); Gentle Art (Trolley, 2012) and The Hardy Tree (Trolley Books, 2011). She has contributed to a wide range of countercultural titles including Nervemeter, Schizm, International Times and The White Review, as well as self-publishing assorted print and audio ephemera. She is also co-founder of the annual short film festival Santa Cruz Short. She lives in London.

© Iphgenia Baal